My neighbor softly plays the piano... That's retarded!
Every child has value, but you can't sell them on E-Bay?
I ordered the pizza pie, but was only given 3.14 slices.
Spoiler alert all movies have exactly the same ending, the credits.
I purchased the ingredients for a Benedict Arnold at a Trader Joe's.
I tried to play acid jazz on the bass guitar, but the sound was neutralized.
Ordered the Number Two at a Mexican restaurant, it tasted like shit!
Went to a yard sale, everything was half off so I picked up a cubit.
Do hipsters in China have misspelled English words tattooed on themselves?
I slept like a baby last night... I cried for most of the night and woke up covered in shit.
Mongolians should call their mentally challenged children, Americanoids!
Saw a sign that said: "School Children Yield" But they didn't, and I ran over a few of them.
Wrote a joke about wigwams and teepees, it's really intense!
I've lost 150 pounds, Its time to stop betting on rugby matches.
My doctor has the heart of a child, he keeps it in a jar on the shelf behind his desk.
My doctor says it's important to be positive, so I won't allow home to test me for anything!
I saw a sign that said: "Slow Children" near a school. That's just cruel!
Called my urologist, he asked if I could hold!
Proctologists are doctors who went behind in medical school.
Any medication can be a cold medication if left in the refrigerator long enough.
Land mines can cost soldiers an arm and a leg!
Is a Bi-Polar Bear gay or crazy?
Took a class in statistics, I did average.
Drove by Harvard, technically, passing all of the classes there.
BOOM! goes the onomatopoeia!
I ordered the rabbit but found a hare in my food.
I couldn't become a vegetarian because I dislike the idea of your food shitting on mine.
I just began a month long fast, it's a good thing that fast food is everywhere.
A great way to clarify religious views would be to remove stained glass windows.
I found Jesus, he lives with his brothers Juan and Jose in Chicago.
If a mohel offers you 50% off, be sure it doesn't include the tip!
A pulled pork sandwich is God's way of saying: "I love Christians the most!"
Always follow your dreams, unless you dream about Jennifer, she files restraining orders!
I was hit on by a ton of women last night. Well technically only one women, but she was very large.
Never wear your best clothes clubbing, baby seal blood stains!
Most of the women who hit on me are way above average. But only because the average woman is a size twelve.
Never fall for a tennis player, their love means nothing.
A woman told me she liked to get freaky and play with toys, but when I took her home to see my Star Wars action figure collection, she wasn't impressed!
There will always be a piece of my ex-girlfriend with me, some stains are hard to scrub out of the trunk of a car.
I have lots of experience working with models, I have even put together the Millennium Falcon while completely blindfolded.
Magicians make women disappear with the words "Abrah Kadabrah" I make women disappear with the words "Hey Baby, what's your sign?"
Necessity is the mother of Invention, she's also the mother of La Shuanda, Monique, D'Andre and Steve.
If at first you don't succeed, bungie jumping is not for you.
The grass is always greener on the other side if the fence and of better quality on the other side of the boarder.
I'm on the fence about what should be done to control our boarders.
I took up stripping to make extra cash... Because wooden furniture won't finish it's self.
Some places don't have public toilets... I'd rather go privately, anyway.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless you're in a bad neighborhood, those girls charge extra for that sort of thing.
I've modeled for BoFlex, I was in their before pictures.
Coal Miners are under achievers!
Spelunking is beneath me!
Aviation technology is over my head.
Is a deaf person with Parkinson's a stutterer?
Making T-Shirts with my jokes on them will get them worn out and washed up!
What comes around, goes around for a NASCAR fan.
If you're up Shit's Creek, why would you want a paddle? Just follow the flow away from the source.
I pleasure every woman I meet... I eventually shut up!
I have had it up to here (hand on waist) with midgets.
If you are what you eat, Terri Schaivo's husband was a vegetarian.
All that glitters isn't gold, remember that the next time you're in Boys Town.
Cancer put Baby in the corner.
Many seriously depressed have attempted suicide multiple times. No wonder their depressed if they can't even get that right!
8 out of 10 Americans claim to have never taken part in a poll or survey of any kind.
Read a sign that said: "No shoes, no shirt, no service" Does that mean if I drop my pants, I'll still get serviced?
Anyone who still believes the pen is mightier than the sword, should try to sign a document with bloody, dismembered stump.
I bought an inflatable woman from Afghanistan, she blows herself up!
If there is a time and a place for everything, when is it a good idea to urinate on an electric fence?
Good Year and Fire Stone Employees are positively affected by inflation.
Going above and beyond is not a good idea in archery.
Nicola Tesla's peers were shocked by his success.
I refuse to acknowledge the sovereignty of a "New" Zealand until someone can prove to me the existence of Zealand.
You know what really burns my ass? A midget with a cigar!
I found a woman yesterday, I forgot that I had locked her in the trunk of my car!
I might get a new job as a flight attendant, but it's still up in the air.
I ordered a Sprite at The Neverland Cafe, but they sent me a Tree Gnome instead.
The cereal rapist doesn't need milk with his Cheerios!
The cereal rapist doesn't need milk with his Cheerios!
Are Christians as upset about a Mosque at Ground Zero as Native Americans should be about Churches... anywhere?
I feel thin, well educated and better about myself when I visit Indiana.
I was elected president of my high school's Anarchy Club.
To save paper, I google trained my dog!
A nun who doesn't wash or bathe has a horrible habit.
Alabama's new immigration law is one of the toughest in the country! But, who the hell's trying to sneak into Alabama?
The 10 O'Clock News is broadcasting the number you should call if you're still without power after the storm! Why?
Sometimes I wonder if my dogs blame me when they're with their friends and smell something funny.
Alabama's new immigration law is one of the toughest in the country! But, who the hell's trying to sneak into Alabama?
The 10 O'Clock News is broadcasting the number you should call if you're still without power after the storm! Why?
Sometimes I wonder if my dogs blame me when they're with their friends and smell something funny.
