Saturday, August 13, 2011

A Ton of One Liners (in no particular order)

2010 - Brian Connor, Popcorn Assassin Productions

My neighbor softly plays the piano... That's retarded!

Every child has value, but you can't sell them on E-Bay?

I ordered the pizza pie, but was only given 3.14 slices.

Spoiler alert all movies have exactly the same ending, the credits.

I purchased the ingredients for a Benedict Arnold at a Trader Joe's.

I tried to play acid jazz on the bass guitar, but the sound was neutralized.

Ordered the Number Two at a Mexican restaurant, it tasted like shit!

Went to a yard sale, everything was half off so I picked up a cubit.

Do hipsters in China have misspelled English words tattooed on themselves?

I slept like a baby last night...   I cried for most of the night and woke up covered in shit.

Mongolians should call their mentally challenged children, Americanoids!

Saw a sign that said: "School Children Yield"  But they didn't, and I ran over a few of them.

Wrote a joke about wigwams and teepees, it's really intense!

I've lost 150 pounds, Its time to stop betting on rugby matches.

My doctor has the heart of a child, he keeps it in a jar on the shelf behind his desk.

My doctor says it's important to be positive, so I won't allow home to test me for anything!

I saw a sign that said: "Slow Children" near a school.  That's just cruel!

Called my urologist, he asked if I could hold!

Proctologists are doctors who went behind in medical school.

Any medication can be a cold medication if left in the refrigerator long enough.

Land mines can cost soldiers an arm and a leg!

Is a Bi-Polar Bear gay or crazy?

Took a class in statistics, I did average.

Drove by Harvard, technically, passing all of the classes there.

BOOM! goes the onomatopoeia!

I ordered the rabbit but found a hare in my food.

I couldn't become a vegetarian because I dislike the idea of your food shitting on mine.

I just began a month long fast, it's a good thing that fast food is everywhere.

A great way to clarify religious views would be to remove stained glass windows.

I found Jesus, he lives with his brothers Juan and Jose in Chicago.

If a mohel offers you 50% off, be sure it doesn't include the tip!

A pulled pork sandwich is God's way of saying: "I love Christians the most!"

Always follow your dreams, unless you dream about Jennifer, she files restraining orders!

I was hit on by a ton of women last night.  Well technically only one women, but she was very large.

Never wear your best clothes clubbing, baby seal blood stains!

Most of the women who hit on me are way above average.  But only because the average woman is a size twelve.

Never fall for a tennis player, their love means nothing.

A woman told me she liked to get freaky and play with toys, but when I took her home to see my Star Wars action figure collection, she wasn't impressed!

There will always be a piece of my ex-girlfriend with me, some stains are hard to scrub out of the trunk of a car.

I have lots of experience working with models, I have even put together the Millennium Falcon while completely blindfolded.

Magicians make women disappear with the words "Abrah Kadabrah"  I make women disappear with the words "Hey Baby, what's your sign?"

Necessity is the mother of Invention, she's also the mother of La Shuanda, Monique, D'Andre and Steve.

If at first you don't succeed, bungie jumping is not for you.

The grass is always greener on the other side if the fence and of better quality on the other side of the boarder.

I'm on the fence about what should be done to control our boarders.

I took up stripping to make extra cash...  Because wooden furniture won't finish it's self.

Some places don't have public toilets...  I'd rather go privately, anyway.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless you're in a bad neighborhood, those girls charge extra for that sort of thing.

I've modeled for BoFlex, I was in their before pictures.

Coal Miners are under achievers!

Spelunking is beneath me!

Aviation technology is over my head.

Is a deaf person with Parkinson's a stutterer?

Making T-Shirts with my jokes on them will get them worn out and washed up!

What comes around, goes around for a NASCAR fan.

If you're up Shit's Creek, why would you want a paddle?  Just follow the flow away from the source.

I pleasure every woman I meet...  I eventually shut up!

I have had it up to here (hand on waist) with midgets.

If you are what you eat, Terri Schaivo's husband was a vegetarian.

All that glitters isn't gold, remember that the next time you're in Boys Town.

Cancer put Baby in the corner.

Many seriously depressed have attempted suicide multiple times.  No wonder their depressed if they can't even get that right!

8 out of 10 Americans claim to have never taken part in a poll or survey of any kind.

Read a sign that said: "No shoes, no shirt, no service"   Does that mean if I drop my pants, I'll still get serviced?

Anyone who still believes the pen is mightier than the sword, should try to sign a document with bloody, dismembered stump.

I bought an inflatable woman from Afghanistan, she blows herself up!

If there is a time and a place for everything, when is it a good idea to urinate on an electric fence?

Good Year and Fire Stone Employees are positively affected by inflation.

Going above and beyond is not a good idea in archery.

Nicola Tesla's peers were shocked by his success.

I refuse to acknowledge the sovereignty of a "New" Zealand until someone can prove to me the existence of Zealand.

You know what really burns my ass? A midget with a cigar!

I found a woman yesterday, I forgot that I had locked her in the trunk of my car!

I might get a new job as a flight attendant, but it's still up in the air.

I ordered a Sprite at The Neverland Cafe, but they sent me a Tree Gnome instead.

The cereal rapist doesn't need milk with his Cheerios!

Are Christians as upset about a Mosque at Ground Zero as Native Americans should be about Churches... anywhere?

I feel thin, well educated and better about myself when I visit Indiana.

I was elected president of my high school's Anarchy Club.

To save paper, I google trained my dog!

A nun who doesn't wash or bathe has a horrible habit.

Alabama's new immigration law is one of the toughest in the country! But, who the hell's trying to sneak into Alabama?

The 10 O'Clock News is broadcasting the number you should call if you're still without power after the storm! Why?

Sometimes I wonder if my dogs blame me when they're with their friends and smell something funny.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

UPC Final Schedule

Under Pressure Comedy Show
Pressure Billiards and Cafe
6318 North Clark Street
8:00pm Seating / 8:30pm Show / 10:30pm Forum

Friday, February 04th:
8:30pm: Student Discount Showcase
10:30pm: New Comedian Forum

Friday, February 11th:
8:30pm: Kyle Parris, Aaron Kozbial, Jeff Hanson
10:30pm: Open Forum

Friday, February 18th:
8:30pm: Kyle Parris, Aaron Kozbial, Sid Yiddish
10:30pm: Open Forum

Friday, February 25th:
8:30pm: Kyle Parris, Aaron Kozbial, Marty DeRosa
10:30pm: Open Forum Roast

Friday, March 04th:
8:30pm: Student Discount Showcase
10:30pm: Final Farewell Forum

Mckay Arts Management

Aspiring, new and professional actors, improvisers are artists looking to improve upon their craft should look into Mckay Arts Management.  Antoine Mckay, professional screen and stage actor is now training and managing actors and artists.  For more information about Mckay Arts Management:

Mckay Arts Management

Mckay Arts Management

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The End of One Era, The Creation of Another...

After almost six years, Pressure Billiards and Cafe and Popcorn Assassin Productions, producer of The Under Pressure Comedy Show have decided to go in separate directions.March 4th, 2011 will be the last Under Pressure Comedy Show that Popcorn Assassin Productions and I will be produce for Pressure. It was an absolutely amazing six year run, but all good things must eventually come to an end.

Although this announcement is rather sudden, the decision to split over creative differences was done on good terms and with the best intentions of everyone involved.  Pressure Billiards and Cafe has decided to take creative control of the room and Popcorn Assassin Productions has decided that it would be best to take on new challenges.  I look forward to supporting Pressure with their new endeavors and owe Pressure a ton of gratitude for hosting our show as long as they did.

The Under Pressure Comedy Show and it's booking process as well as The Under Pressure Open Forum will remain the same until March 4th.   After March 4th, Pressure Billiards and Cafe will retain control of their Friday night entertainment including any future comedy show should it remain.  For future information about Friday night entertainment at Pressure Billiards and Cafe or for bookings for future events, please contact the staff at Pressure Billiards and Cafe.

The Under Pressure Comedy Show will continue in the near future on Friday nights under a new name and venue.  As always, Popcorn Assassin Productions is dedicated to providing new comedians with an excellent environment for creative growth.   We are also dedicated to providing audiences with comedians ranging from new to professional with styles ranging from stand-up, vaudeville, improv, musical, and more.  In addition to looking for a new venue, we are currently in cooperation with a new training center for the development of talent and with an arts management company to help train, develop, book and produce future shows.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Twenty-Eleven Comedy Season

Hello Folks,

After a brief vacation for the holidays, The Under Pressure Comedy Show shall be returning on Friday, January 7th at 8:00pm and The Deluxe Comedy Open Mic will be returning on Saturday, January 8th at 8:00pm.  The Under Pressure Comedy Show will kick off with The Student Discount Comedy Show, our showcase featuring some of Chicago's best younger comedians. Student Discount will be followed by the comedic antics of featured comedians Angela Vela, Todd Glover, Ryan Walker and Aaron Kozbial. Following the show, there will be an open forum for comedians to test new material. The following night, on Saturday, January 8th, we're kicking off the first full season of Chicago's newest and only Saturday night comedy only open mic.  The Deluxe Comedy Open Mic is open to any comedian with any level of experience.  Deluxe Comedy features plentiful stage time and audiences, dollar drafts, two dollar wells and meal deals for under four dollars.  Deluxe has been more popular with audiences than comedians because of the food and drink specials.  These specials apply to absolutely everyone so feel free to stop by, tell some jokes, enjoy some food and invite your friends. Also, coming soon in 2011...   Dobie Maxwell will do another installment of the Dobie Maxwell No BS Q and A Session!  Dobie goes into great detail about how to make it and break it in the comedy business.  From hosting at Zanies to working with Craig Ferguson, Dobie will answer your questions about absolutely anything.  Twenty-Eleven is shaping up to be a great year, and it's only just beginning! Thanks and see you soon...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Open Spaces

Today, I spoke with a woman who grew up on 5,000 acres of land!  They must have had a really, really long driveway!   Seriously, how amazing would it be to go out running for an hour each morning and never have to leave your own property? 

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Open Mic Aggravation

I really try to be nice and supportive towards everyone, especially the newer comedians.  I was new once, and in some respects, I still am a new comedian.  I am a new comer to each stage of my career and I'm constantly looking towards the next step.  As long as we are constantly advancing, we will always be new to something.  But it is difficult for me to have respect for those who absolutely refuse put in the work.  If you want something in this business, you have to constantly put in the work to get it.  There are no handouts in comedy or the arts.  If you want the respect of audience, peers and producers it must be earned though writing, dedication to the craft, rewriting, working over and over and over to improve and perfect.  When comedians bring the same five minutes of horrible material to every open mic, it's an absolute disgrace to the craft.  It's one thing when comedians are testing new material, trying out new concepts or polishing there top five minutes...  But, it's quite another when comedians are wasting everyone's time including their own by repeatedly doing the same horrible material.  I don't want to be the bad guy, but if I don't start seeing some comedians challenge themselves by writing new material or improving their existing material, I'm no longer going to be so generous with stage time!
So, if you're working and reworking the same five to ten minutes repeatedly, that's alright so long as it's improving.  But, if you refuse to buckle down, write, create and attempt to advance your craft, then you're wasting my and everyone's time.  To try and fail and try again is noble...  But, to just keep failing without putting any work in is painfully horrible for everyone.